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Private Eye editor Ian Hislop, with whom the MP has appeared on the BBC satirical show Have I Got News For You, said: "It's good news for comedy, if not for London.

"I just think it'll make life much more interesting."

Nor do I propose to defend the right to talk on a mobile while driving a car, though I don't believe that is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people do with their free hands while driving - nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on.

It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall.

On Tony Blair: He's lost the plot, people tell me. He's drifting rudderless in the wide Sargasso Sea of New Labour's ideological vacuum.

On Big Brother: I didn't see it, but it sounds barbaric. It's become like cock-fighting: poor dumb brutes being set upon each other by conniving television producers.

Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.