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Once upon a time, on the banks of a polluted, grey river called the Thames, three sleazy pigs arrived to make their fortune. David Cameron was about to deliver the fairytale of his life.

By Alex Stevenson

"It sickens me to see it dragged into the mud, everyone thinking politicians are just sleazy pigs out for their own gain," he said at the climax of what he hoped would be his last monthly press conference as leader of the opposition. Sleazy pigs? The sketchwriters in the back row were going berserk.

The first sleazy pig, of course, built his house on little things he could scavenge - parts from a duck-house there, biscuit wrappers here, even wigs - anything which could be claimed on expenses. It seemed as good a method as any to build a living on. But it couldn't stand the test of the big bad public.

"There will always be bad apples who will do something that they shouldn't," Cameron explained as he looked back on the fate of those who relied on expenses. We ooh-ed and ah-ed at the first sleazy pig's folly. This, though, was only the beginning.

The second sleazy pig built his house with pound-notes, procured through the dubious art of lobbying. It is perfectly reasonable to engage in this practise - "I lobby the prime minister quite vigorously on Wednesdays", Cameron admitted - but only when it is all utterly above the board. "I'm not sure we're spending any money on lobby firms," he added as he scratched his chinny-chin-chin, looking thoughtful. "We do our own lobbying in parliament..."

This building method, it is clear, is only acceptable when undertaken on the firmest of foundations. The slightest hint of impropriety - being a cab-for-hire, for example, or just simply wanting to make a bit of cash - gets frowned upon. Sir John Butterfill, who tried to boost his credentials by predicting an imminent peerage, is a cautionary tale in this regard. Lord Butterfill? "I can tell you that's not going to happen!" Cameron joked dangerously.

What about the third sleazy pig, the one whose choice of construction material - by which I mean policies - means he survives the storm? This is Cameron himself, of course, for his bastion of probity must face the most sustained assault of all.

It's a test which Cameron knows is not yet over. We don't know how this fairytale will end. "Every time we patch up one part of the broken politics, another crack appears elsewhere," he admitted, nearly in despair. Will the Tories be able to come up with enough policy-stuffing to fill the gaps? Or will he suffer the fate of all the other sleazy pigs?

Only through the ultimate huffing and puffing of a general election campaign will we find out.

The only detectable weakness currently on display is Cameron's tendency to veer away from fairytales into other nursery traditions. Yesterday it was confirmed that his wife, Samantha, is pregnant with their fourth child.

"We were very keen to have another baby after Ivan died, and obviously it took a while for the stork to drop another one down the chimney," he explained modestly. The journalists present nodded sagely, as if he had just made a technical pronouncement on the state of the structural deficit.

I was tempted to inquire whether all future Tory press releases will be couched in childish fairytale terms. But he would surely have given the same answer he did to another question: "There are so many things that need to be done, I don't think that should be a priority."

"We were very keen to have another baby after Ivan died, and obviously it took a while for the stork to drop another one down the chimney," he explained modestly. The journalists present nodded sagely, as if he had just made a technical pronouncement on the state of the structural deficit.