Safe Speed Forums

Oh boyo! Nicked by the barmy blogger in blue

Jasper Gerard

If the Bard were alive, he would be writing a blog. True, “blog” sounds less the work of a pensmith than a Polish plumber. Indeed, many blogs read as if they are written by Polish plumbers. But professional confessionals posted on the web are invaluable as they give us — unintentionally, of course — the naked truth about their authors.

Take Richard Brunstrom, rabidly anti-speeding chief constable of North Wales police. He confides on his blog that with his wife away it was time to “sneak off to have some fun”. Hmm: so what mischief did this saucy cad get up to? Invite mates out for a few shandies? Swing by the local night spot and show a young lady what he can do with his Gatso gun? Or perhaps play, very slowly, with his Scalextric? Nope, this guy is more likely to polish his own truncheon.

Brunstrom records proudly that on his day off he joined a 12-hour shift nicking drivers on the A497. “The camera read 5,891 numberplates, from which we had 321 hits, resulting in us stopping 109 cars,” he salivates. The team arrested 22 people, mostly for possession of cannabis.

Well, bravo Braveheart: what a gent, so contributing to the sum of human joy on your day of rest.

This man is unhinged. Nabbing drivers is his leisure, his life; does he find trainspotting too exciting? If he collected blue movies they would be called Bertha the Speed Hump and Naughty Drivers Caught in a Flash. If he sees you looking happy he instantly wonders if there are grounds for an Asbo. I bet he falls asleep dribbling, counting penalty points.

Long after he is pensioned off — or sectioned — he will probably be allowed out on “fun days”, when he will leap dementedly from fake bushes like a mad Clouseau waving a fist at Ferraris. To be fair, Brunstom has another hobby — he brings down the full majesty of the law on those who diss the Welsh.

But if you think this crazy diamond is a one-off, think again. Last week an Essex council caused a seven-mile jam in 93F heat for 11 hours: to conduct a survey.

Interviewing Brunstrom, I was in awe: he was such a bore he was cool. But only in his blog does one plumb the depths of a man who truly dares to be dull.

Like many folk who are tedious he thinks he can entertain us on the web. He can, just not intentionally. And unlike dangerous drivers, dull bloggers can’t, alas, lose their licences.