Safe Speed Forums

WHILE previous generations favoured red cars, alcohol and affairs, modern men are increasingly limiting their mid-life madness to buying bikes they don't really want, it has emerged.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that 43% of professional men aged 35-50 have spent more than £500 on a bike without really knowing why.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Historically, men of a certain age have spent their disposable incomes on small fibreglass sports cars that the man in the shop described as a 'fanny magnet'.

"This would be combined with pointy shoes, brown leather clothing and a hip flask - the objective being an overall sense of virility that would impress 'dolly birds'.

"So it's interesting that today's middle-aged man is choosing instead to spend the disposable income generated by the job he hates on a Tungusku 9000 super-lightweight racing bike made from some sort of space carbon and weighing less than a grape.

"And then riding around on top of it. Wearing spandex. And a plastic hat.

"Like a total bell-end."

He added: "Clearly these are not the actions of a sexual predator. Perhaps the bicycle fad expresses a suicidal urge to get flattened by a lorry before becoming fat and impotent."

Roy Hobbs, 41, who spent almost a grand on cycling equipment without having the faintest idea why, said: "I bought the bike, the clothes, and some sort of bottle in a holster.

"I dressed myself in the gear and looked at myself in the mirror and thought, 'What have I become?' I looked like a chunky wasp.

"Maybe I will take the bike into the garden tomorrow and smash it with a mallet, while weeping."