I had only seven days to find my licence. I got onto the Navy Gravy but they didn't seem interested said there was a war on. I daren't involve my MP after a dodgey batch of shellfish gave his entire Masonic Lodge the squitters, he won't speak to me and has said there is no way he will put my forward to the Lodge. So that's me well up the creek without a boat.
I have been ringing the Navy Gravy most days but they say that they have no record of me having a licence. The seven days have run out, Mabel has made me a bed in the cellar we've whitewashed the windows cancelled the milk and return all mail 'Gone Away'.
Luckily Mabel could slip out of the coal hole and get some supplies in at night. Last week the local corner shop owner asked Mabel why she looked so furtive and had grazed knees and was covered in coal dust and was paying in 2p coins. He was very understanding and has lent us both some of his wifes full Purda outfits with slit veils. So we have been making sorties into Egham on the bus.
There was nothing for it but to visit BSM and book some driving lessons and a test. (Bloody diabolical - I fought for this country - well I cooked for the Admiral - and I now have to disguise myself to leave my house!)
I had my first lesson yesterday, it's not easy driving wearing Mabels 2 inch heels and a full black robe and a slitty black veil. Its near impossible to glance in the wing mirrors its like wearing blinkers. It was a hot day the instructor had a heavy cold and had the heater on full and I was sweating like a pig and having to use a falsetto voice. I was shattered after an hour of reversing around corners etc and was badly dehydrated so I nipped into the Weasel and Wetnurse for a few pints of Fullers ESB, boy did the locals take the mickey out of a 18 stone wet fish merchant in full Arabic attire.
I was even more annoyed when I got home and Mabel pointed out that I'd booked the lesson in the name of Mrs Hussein so that's the name they will book the test in. So I have to have a rethink or wear the Burqua everytime I drive from now on.
I should never have left the Navy Gravy in such circumstances without a driving licence...
Well fished off..
Les Chalards
Master of Fishmongery (retr.)
PS How the fish am I meant to ride the R1 in a veil and flowing gown, it'll have to go.
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If there are any fellow gene splicers out there, please check out my website and we can swop stories.
http://www.leschalards.o-f.com/
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