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Sent to me by an engineer friend..

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

_________________
Gordon Brown saying I got the country into it's current economic mess so I'll get us out of it is the same as Bomber Harris nipping over to Dresden and offering to repair a few windows.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

http://www.wildcrafts.co.uk

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and a Engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"

The mathematician said, "Never." The physicist said, "In an infinite amount of time." The Engineer said, "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

_________________
CSCP Latin for beginners...
Ticketo ergo sum : I scam therefore I am!

AAALLL Together now!

"An Engineer told me before he died......."

_________________
"The road to a police state is paved with public safety legislation"

Best thread I've seen in yrs!.........

So true, so, so true!

_________________
Science won over religion when they started installing lightning rods on churches.

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person.

"They have multiplied", said the biologist.

"Oh no, there was an error in the measurement" the physicist sighed.

"If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again" the mathematician concluded.

Engineer v Manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

_________________
CSCP Latin for beginners...
Ticketo ergo sum : I scam therefore I am!

A mechanical engineer, an electronics engineer and a civil engineer are all having a drink and discussing the nature of the creator.

The mechanical engineer states "God must have been a mechanical engineer; look at the marvel of the human body: Compact powerful actuators, joints with various degrees of movement, and levers of all descriptions!"

"No, no" the electronics engineer asserts "God must have been an electronics engineer, I mean, look at the brain and the central nervous system: Processing power beyond comprehension, intelligent and self-aware, with enough wiring to stretch round the world!"

The civil engineer has been sipping his drink throughout, gazing into the middle distance, but now pipes up "You're both wrong"

"How so?" the other two reply, turning to face him.

"Well" continues the civil engineer "God must have been a civil engineer"

"Pah" they exclaim "how on earth could that be the case?!"

"Well, who else would run a waste pipe through a recreational area?"

"If flying were difficult, an engineer would do it "

A manager was interviewing three people for the job of accountant

He said to the first whats 2 + 2 - he replied err 3 I think - sorry you failed the interview.

He said to the second whats 2 + 2 - he replied 4 - sorry you failed the interview. Everyone was a bit surprised !

He said to the third whats 2 + 2 - he replied what do you want it to be ?

He said congratulations you have the job - didn't you work for one of those speed camera partnerships ?


Richard

An engineer, a scientist and an artist were sitting down with a drink putting the world to rights. The subject turned to the inevitable..

The scientist confirmed that a wife is definitely better than a mistress. One leaves home in the morning, knowing that one can depend on a nice meal and a decent cuddle afterwards.

The artist confirmed that a mistress was much better for the excitement factor. Different each time, with a slight risk ....

The engineer surprised them by explaining he was very happy to have both a wife AND a mistress. "... you see you can tell the wife you're with the mistress, and the mistress that you're with your wife, so you can get on with things in the lab without getting the third degree when you go home.

Slight digression but hopefully it will raise a grin:

So here we go, after qualifying I landed a job as an assistant stage manger and safety at the London Fetish Show, at Earls Court. This show highlights, fetish wear with a leather and rubber catwalk show, stands where the S&M crowd can buy whips, cuffs, bondage rope and a variety of other 'props'.

There are also speciality entertainments such as a young lady who attacks metal plates strapped to various parts of her body with an angle grinder in time to a pounding techno beat.

This is not the sort of thing that that my qualifications prepared me for or taught me about, normal use of angle grinders involves using gloves, goggles, safety boots and guarding usually cutting something away from you not trying to cut yourself.

The local HSE officer also took the same view and decided to come and talk to us. You can imagine the scene - The artist, the HSE officer and myself all talking about this:

HSE: So let me get this straight, you use an angle grinder on metal plates attached to your body?
Artist: Yes.
HSE: What happens if you miss?
Artist: Well that's only happened once, do you want to see the scar?

It sort of went downhill from there; one thing it did teach me was not to assume that everything works according to the rules....

_________________
Gordon Brown saying I got the country into it's current economic mess so I'll get us out of it is the same as Bomber Harris nipping over to Dresden and offering to repair a few windows.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

http://www.wildcrafts.co.uk

i thought being unfaithful was a sin
wait until you give the wife an NIP

_________________
now retired

"More than me jobsworth, guv", yeah?

_________________
Smokebelching,CO2 making,child murdering planet raping,granny mugging,politically incorrect globally warming (or is it climate changing now it's getting colder?)thug.
That's what the government want you to believe of me. If they get back in I'm emigrating.

I just printed that out for future use..........

great stuff Guys...

What am I?......Why, an Electrical Engineer of course........what else?





oh! JT, The balloonist one is very apt at my place of work.........

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are driving along in a car when it unexpectedly cuts out and stops.

The mech eng wants to strip various parts, the electrical engineer wants to start looking at fuses and relays, the software engineer suggests they just get out, close all the doors, wait 10 mins and get back in - "it's bound to start then!"

_________________
I won't slave for beggar's pay,
likewise gold and jewels,
but I would slave to learn the way
to sink your ship of fools

Don't software engineers usually blame the drivers?