Dr Stephen Ladyman is Roads minister. He replaced David Jamison when he retired in april 2005 (?)

JC: Right we’ve got to move on; we are having a bit of a break from the norm; we have a Member of Parliament. We have the Minister for Transport, in our reasonably priced car, which means that he is the minister for speed cameras. 

Audience: boos

JC: No, no, no, no. This is the BBC. We will treat him with respect and impartiality. Please welcome Beelzebub himself Dr Stephen Ladyman. 

Audience: Applause then boos.

JC: Hello. No. We won’t have that…

Audience: Quietens

JC: Well at least no one’s shoved a custard pie in your face. That’s what actually happens to me. You are a brave soul. You are Top Gear audience. How many speeding tickets have you got?

SL: 9 points I am afraid

JC: 9 points?

Audience: laughter/rumble

JC: How many points has your wife got?

SL: None

JC: You’ve not shovelled them on to her licence?

SL: I didn’t

JC: <imitates phone call> I am sorry darling you’ve been caught speeding again…

SL: I suggested it but…. 

Audience: laughs

JC: And you drive?

SL: An Alfa Romeo 156

JC: The man drives an Alfa Romeo and he drives it fast… because... What did the cabinet say when you told them you were coming here?

SL: (Sheepish grin) They don’t actually know, Alistair knows.

JC: They will now.

SL: The rest of them will behind their sofas now with their hands over their ears.

JC: Let’s start with a simple one. What’s the stopping distance from 70 miles per hour?

SL Errr. <pause> Can I phone a friend?

JC: You’ve used all your lifelines. The Highway Code says its 315 feet.

SL: I’m sure its right

JC: No. You’re wrong! An Aston Martin will pull up in half that.

SL: Right.

JC: So why can’t Astons go twice the speed limit?

Audience: laughs

SL: (nods) But the thinking distance won’t be different and they are driven by the same people.

JC: Aston Martin drivers are really sharp. They’re on it. They are mostly footballers, bang! They are there, like that.

SL: The footballer on last week seems to have wrecked one or two.

JC: Yes he’s wrecked every one we’ve got.

JC: Erm, I can sustain this no longer, Speed cameras, we need to talk speed cameras. Can you prove to me that they save lives?

SL: Every study that has ever been done, all over the world show that they work.

JC: No that’s not proof, that’s just you making a noise. Prove to me. Proof. Prove to me that they’ve saved a life.

SL: Well the statistics that we’ve gathered together over the first three years of the safety camera partnerships, that they’ve saved hundreds of lives in this country alone. 

JC: But you’ve looked at the statistics, presumably, from when, say, the speed limit was first introduced; the motorway 1965. It fell every single year till ‘92 when speed cameras were introduced. Then it levelled out.

SL: But we’ve done three studies already, and we are waiting for the results of a fourth, which compares the accident rates on the sites where the cameras are placed, before and after cameras, so we know they are working. 

JC: If you have one accident, suddenly goes up to four, you put a camera there, it goes back to one.

SL: There have to be four at a particular site to put up a speed camera.

JC: Let’s take the M4 as a prime example. Do you know what one of the four was?

SL: I don’t.

JC: Somebody jumped off of a bridge.

Audience: laughs

JC: I’m not joking, that’s what one of them was. The police said only one of them was down to speeding and they put a speed camera there.

SL: Well as well as having four people killed or seriously injured there has to be systematic evidence of speeding at those sites.

JC: So why have you got chief constables in, say Northumbria and Durham saying that speed cameras don’t save lives?

SL: Well that’s not what they say. They believe that in their areas they can achieve similar results by other means. And one of the things that we have been saying to them, and part of the policy is, is they have to have ruled out every other opportunity to make that site safer before they can put a camera up.

JC: Well let’s work on this basis, if you’ve got 28 million cars on the road now, don’t you accept that it is inevitable that some of them are occasionally going to crash into each other?

SL: Absolutely

JC: We are at three and a half thousand deaths a year now, and have been now give or take for what, 10 years now

SL: It’s been coming down steadily over the last few years

JC: It’s around 32 and 35

SL: It’s about 3,200

JC: It’s been hovering around the same mark. We can juggle about the odd ten.
SL: It hasn’t been hovering around the same mark, Who does your statistics for you? That’s just not true.

JC: Shall I give you the figures?

SL: You can give me the figures.

JC: 92: 38, 36, 36, 35, 35, 34, 34, 34, 34, 34, 35, 32 so that’s what I’m saying.

SL: So it’s gone up once in ten years, for one year

JC: No, it went up the year before, and the year before that before

SL: For the whole period that you read out it went down.

JC: It isn’t.

SL: It is. You’ve just read out the figures.

JC: OK, hold on, I’ll be more specific. 3,421 - and that’s with speed cameras –3,423 - that’s a jump of two,

SL: So what is your objection to?

JC: The following year it went down by 17 then up by 40

SL: I am sure you obey the speed limit, so what’s your objection to speed cameras?

JC: My objection to speed cameras?

SL: We paint them yellow, we put them where you can see them we put a big sign up to tell you where they’re coming up and we print a big list on the internet. If you’re still getting caught, who’s fault’s that?

JC: Oh… errr

Audience: Applause 

JC: Well you’re the one with nine points. I haven’t got any.

Audience:  applause / laughter

JC: Well this is my thing with speed cameras, If you want someone to slow down, say, I know it’s a cliché, but outside a school. OK, so you put it outside a school and you paint it pink, yellow with a big neon speed camera. No one will speed past it, therefore physically stop speeding, that’s a good thing, is that what you want?

SL: Yes and that’s what we do

JC: So why have you just said ’No’ to 500 more speed cameras?

SL: Because one of the things we’ve got to do is will back motorists’ confidence in them. You’re displaying the sentiments of many motorists out there. Now I think when we produce the 4 year report we can strike a deal with motorists where we can demonstrate that we are not after your money. We are just after making dangerous places safer. In return motorists will respect the speed limit better.

JC: I don’t think for a moment you are after our money.

Audience: laughter

JC: Oh they’re laughing. The profit from speeding fines last year was 21 million pounds. Simon Cowell paid more than that in income tax every year. So you are getting more from Simon Cowell than you are from speed cameras. They are not actually…

SL: …they are not making any…

JC: They are not making any money, all they are doing is (bleep) ing everyone off.

SL: That’s why we’ve delayed the programme this year, while we gather the evidence to show you that they really do work, so you won’t be (bleep)ed off in future.

JC: Can you do something about people who crash into my front garden?

SL: I’ll talk to your local camera partnership for you.

JC: No, no, no, not a camera

SL: I feel a camera coming on.

Audience: Laughter

JC: Anyway. Your lap…

SL: Yeah

JC: Your lap is critical. Your practice didn’t go that well.

SL: It didn’t

JC: Can we have a look? Here we go this is one of the practice laps. We’re coming up to the follow through. 80 miles per hour on the speedo, and you’ve lifted. And there he is, the road safety minister, and he’s gone backwards and he’s crashed. <Car hit tyre wall backwards>

Audience: Wide round of applause

JC You’ve wounded our car! Even Ian Wright didn’t wound it that much! Poor little Suzuki. So, What was the lap like? Fun?

SL: It was great, great. Stig is a fabulous teacher. He really is good.

JC: Right, here we go. Let’s have a look at his lap. Starting now. Was it wet out there or was it dry?

SL: It was dry

JC: That’s a determined looking face. Ohh you’re in the middle of the road, I was going to do a political thing, but I won’t, that’s. You’ve gone rough there, we’ll let you off because that’s slippery. That’s tidy for your first corner. That’s the Jody Kidd school of driving. Oooh your teeth. You want to see Richard Hammond about that.

SL: I’ll tell you the gear box is not good on that car, 

JC: No, if you think about it - that poor car - it’s only ever been round that track since it was built – it’s all it’s ever done. 

JC: Again I’ve got to say Stephen, that is perfect. You listened to The Stig. Can you make it this time? Yes! And didn’t even lift, and the teeth are there, your going to have to have a word with the… god this is quick… that’s looking good. Speed’s fun isn’t it?

SL: It’s fabulous, Yep….

JC: I wondered when…

SL: When you know there’s nothing you can run into.

JC: Well there’s that jumbo right behind you. That would be good on the news. And there we are coming up to the last corner. It’s Gambon. I’ve got to say that’s not a bad lap, and tidy as well, across the line everybody… 

Audience: Applause

JC: So where do you think you’ve come?

SL: More Terry Wogan than Simon Cowell and Jimmy Carr.

JC: You are much higher up than Wogan.

SL: As high up as Harry Enfield?

JC: No you’re higher than Enfield, you’re right up here.

SL: Really?

JC: You did it in 1 minute 48.8 seconds. Ladies and gentleman he’s right up here.

Audience: Applause

JC: And that’s up with Rob Brydon, Neil Morrissey. You’re quicker than Roger Daltrey. This is an astonishing thing and you are the minister for road safety.

SL: I know.

JC: There is one thing. You owe me sixty quid.

SL: Mmmm?

JC: You do. You owe me sixty quid, look (fake speed camera clip) seriously did you not. Here you come, here you come, he goes through it. Watch! Watch!

Camera flashes. Audience laughs.

SL: I want to see one of those front facing cameras to prove it was me in the car.

JC: It was you in the car you just didn’t see the speed camera. Now you know how we feel. We’ll send you the bill.

JC: In the meantime, Ladies and gentleman, you were very brave, Stephen Ladyman.

Audience: Applause
 

JC is Jeremy Clarkeson. SL is Stephen Ladyman.

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